Epistolary Dump

In which your humble narrator corresponds with entities unlike to respond or sue him.

Dear Youth of America,

Put some damn clothes on, and seriously, you're going to live to regret that tattoo one day.

Dear State of New York,

Congratulations on letting the gays get hitched. And extra special congratulations for doing it legislatively. Just don't go buck wild and let corporations get married even if Antonin Scalia thinks they're people too.

Dear People who "Make Their Voices Heard!",

Isn't sort of an exercise in futility to "make your voice heard" every damn day in a culture where exactly no one listens? I suppose it sounds better than "I like to shout my opinions all the damn time!"

Dear Peter Falk,

Rest in peace. Goodbye, Columbo.

Dear Rest of the United States of America,

I am in no way responsible for Michele Bachmann. Just because she lives 20 miles from me doesn't mean I have any insight into that big bag of crazy.

Morality Play in One Act

In which your humble narrator relates the spirit of goodness in Child #1.

To begin, some background. Child #1 goes to the local liberal Jewish preschool. We picked this school for several reasons. First, it's only 2 miles away. Second, they offer generous financial assistance. And third, and most important, the preschool teachers at this school are ladies of a certain age who have been teaching preschool since your humble narrator was a wee tyke. Preschools should be run by sweet little old ladies. Child #1's teacher is named Joannie.

The Scene: our car on the way home after preschool. 

Child #1: I have to do a good deed.
Me: What?
Child #1: Joannie said I have to do a good deed. I have to.
Me: Okay. So what are you going to do?
Child #1: A good deed. Joannie said so.
Me: Yeah, but what kind of good deed?
Child #1: I will brush my teeth politely. (Yells) It's a mitzvah!

I'm so relieved that we won't have to endure the trauma of him being rude to the tooth paste. And I know the tooth brush couldn't handle it.

Abrupt Reversal

In which your humble narrator discusses his progeny's prudishness and rapaciousness for candy.

For reasons known only to his own little weirdo brain, Child #1, a previously stalwart opponent of combined bathing with Child #2 has abruptly reversed himself and begun demanding that his sister be deposited into the tub at the same time that he goes through his evening ablutions.

This surprised all and sundry since upon previous entreaties to maximize the efficiency of tub-time, Child #1 looked positively scandalized and began the octave jumping litany which follows any suggestion to which he is not immediately inclined, "No, No, NO, NO, NO!"

Frankly, he is a bit of a prude. Someone gave us* a copy of that classic of the Western Canon, Once Upon a Potty, which we introduced to Child #1 several month ago. He was appalled. When his grandmother read it to him and his eyes got very big, and when the got to the page on which the little boy proudly produces poop, Child #1 covered his eyes and blushed.

Needless to say potty training is proceeding slowly. At least now it's proceeding. Once he figured out that going in the potty chair meant a high probability of candy upon completion he suddenly got a lot more willing. Every kid has his price.


*Or maybe Wife-a-roo bought it? Or maybe pixies left in under a cabbage leaf in the garden? I cannot keep track of the stream of child-related ephemera that sweeps into our house on a weekly basis.

Finally! Somebody made a smart phone that will raise my kid!

In which your humble narrator directs your interwebular attention toward a grand spectacle of idiocy.

At last! I no longer have to go to all the trouble of trying to figure out non-verbal, enigmatic, semi-screamy Child #2's wants and needs. All I have to do is buy an iPhone and this killer app!

Now Child #2 can cry at my new iPhone and I will instantaneously know what her problem is. If this works I may not have to even look at her for another 4-6 months! It's even better than an illegal Guatemalan nanny because this way I get an iPhone!

Hooray for technology!