Why would you replace one perfectly good preposition with two?

In which your humble narrator decries creeping colloquialism.

One of the odder, at least to my ear, verbal tics endemic to the laconic, Scandinavian or German inhabitants of this God-forsaken windswept tundra is the change of the idiomatic construction "based on" to the bastardized alternate, "based off of". This variation doesn't seem as jarring when spoken as it does when written, but it still frosts my grammarian posterior.

In assignments for my class, students are constantly declaiming that an idea or practice is "based off of" some pertinent theory. This makes no sense from a metaphorical perspective. A house can successfully be "based on" a foundation, but it cannot be "based off of" the foundation and retain its function.

In conclusion, get it right, people, or pay the price.

Mailbag Monday (on Tuesday)

In which your humble narrator answers the missives of his adoring public.

Dear Rotten Baby,
Does a diet lacking animal products make one stupid?
                                          -Raging Ronda in Ridgecrest

Dear Ronda,
First of all, I think someone who can't spell "Rhonda" with the traditional "h" has little room to criticize other people's dietary choices. Are you ashamed of your Welsh heritage, Ronda? But seriously, a diet lacking animal products doesn't correlate with stupidity. My diet is completely free of animal products. Other people may be willing to eat cookies made by gophers, but I'm not.

Teacher,
i am an (imaginary) sad-sack undergraduate with innumerable vague personal problems including, but not limited, to the deaths of my seven grandmothers this semester. i haven't turned in my final  project that was du last week. Also i have skipped, like a lot, almost a third of my classes.  My question 2 u is: shouldn't i be able to postpone taking the final? i'm, like, not prepared. 
                   -Student terribly upset, probably in denial

Dear STUPID,
You have got to be freaking kidding me. I do not have either the time or the inclination to deal with your self-centered bullshit during the last week of classes. The time to be discussing how you can pass my class was last month. Where were you while I sat in my windowless office whilst tumbleweeds rolled past my door during my many office hours this semester? Also, perhaps if you're going to write an email trying to solicit pity you should 1. suck up a little, 2. capitalize the word "I." As for delaying your final: I'm, like, not prepared to do that.


Dear Rotten Baby,
Did you know that there were 1,808 baby girls born in the United States last year named "Brooklyn?" What's up with that?
                                                       -Slightly culpable bystander

SCB,
What's up indeed. My guess is that it's a lot of obnoxious hipster parents living in the mid-west and the west coast were trying be cool when they named their babies. It shouldn't surprise you that "Matilda"* is increasing exponentially in popularity as well. What's happening is this: having a child has become yet another way for people to "express" themselves and broadcast their social (and often economic) value to the rest of the world. Let's hope that many of those darling little Brooklyns grow up to be right-wing talk radio hosts, NASCAR enthusiasts or Joe Lieberman.

That wraps up this edition of 'Mailbag Monday," boys and girls. To have your queries, imaginary or otherwise answered, send an email to:
rotten.baby.blog (at) gmail (dot) com. 

*Really?

Five Things I Hate Today - Cat Barf Edition

In which your humble narrator expounds upon five hated things.

1. Waking up at 5:00 because a cat is projectile vomiting on your bed. And it wasn't even my cat, it was my wife's mentally challenged, Siamese jerk-cat. Then he ran away while barfing, leaving a vomitous trail across the bedroom (the only carpeted room in the house) and down the wall along the stair case. Just try going back to sleep when your bedroom smells like mostly digested pet-grade tuna.
2. Cleaning the coffee-maker
3. The fact that it's not socially acceptable to laugh at middle aged, spandex clad people on those damn roller-skis
4. People that refuse to use capital letters in emails
5. Ear wax
   

Five Things I Hate Today

In which your humble narrator enumerates five things which vex him mightily.

1. Undergraduates who are in love with the word "impact" in made-up and innappropriate forms. Impactful. Impacted. Impactuated. Impacticized. Unless you're talking about your colon, "impact" is a noun. Example: I will hit you on the head if you use that word again. The impact will kill you.

2. Unraked autumn leaves that have been snowed on and now are moldering in the yard.

3. People with "philosophies" of child rearing. Here's my philosophy: 1. Keep children alive. 2. Prevent trauma if possible. 3. At end of day, check to ensure children are still alive. 4. Pour drink.

4. Fake plastic mullions in windows.

5. The unending need of Minnesota drivers to cut you of in traffic and then slow down to 15 miles below the speed limit.