Winterize this!

In which your humble narrator tries to act like a local-born Minnesota person and muses freely on the topic of the weather. 

Now that I'm slowly emerging from the fog of Pie Day, Thanksgiving and Pie for Breakfast Day I can begin to fret about all the stuff that needs to be done to get ready for winter. Usually, this being Minnesota, Land of Frozen Tundra and passive-aggressive Scandinavians, we're all set for winter by Thanksgiving because November is a winter month (and so is April most of the time). Fortunately it's a well established fact that cold weather is highly correlated with moral fiber and excellent character. This is why the upper Midwest is awesome and Florida is a hell hole of moral weakness and general turpitude.

But this year, despite the weird rash of accumulating snow in October, it's been unseasonably warm, leading to all sorts of licentiousness, gluttony and sloth the likes of which we rarely see in the frigid north. So I haven't got the insulation I bought stuffed into the appropriate crevices in the attic, nor have I put cling film on the upstairs windows. We were all excited when we bought our house because it had replacement windows. Then we moved in. And now we know that we have the absolute worst replacement windows in the history of windowdom. They are shite. Especially because the cheap bastards that put them in cut costs by only putting single-pane windows in upstairs... which has only one heat vent... strategically located in the bathroom... in the shower. I like a cold bedroom, so it's not too big of a deal most of the time. However, I hate having to wipe the windows off every day after we shower (no exhaust vent either). So I've got to do the window film thing upstairs which means that I have to find the hair dryer that a friend of ours left at our old condo two years ago.

Also I still haven't raked the leaves in the back yard. They came off of the neighbor's tree so I'm afraid it might be socialistic if I raked them for him. Glenn Beck's website doesn't seem to offer any guidance on the issue.

So I've got a ton of crap to do all of which I'll start as soon as I get my butt off the couch. I predict that will occur sometime tomorrow.

Happy Pie Day, America

In which your humble narrator discusses the familial tradition known as "Pie Day."

It's Pie Day again. As I write, Wife and I have completed 7 pies with one in the oven and one yet to go. Each year, on the Wednesday that precedes Thanksgiving, we gather together to celebrate the making and baking of many pies twinned with a nod to those Puritan jerks by practicing discipline and self denial by not eating any of the pie until tomorrow. That way, we can experience true gratitude.

This year we're skipping the self-denial part because my Grandma's here and she gets crabby about waiting.

To help you initiate your own family tradition which explores the dualism of abundance and scarcity in a context rich with Americana, follow these simple steps:

• Step One: Take the Day off work (natch)
• Step Two: Plan your Pies and write down your schedule
• Step Three: Follow the rules of Pie Day

1. Don't talk about Pie Day
2. Don't talk about Pie Day
3. There are no rules
4. Make your own crusts, you lazy piece of #%@!
   
5. Make sure to make more pies than there are people expected at Thanksgiving. To achieve the proper sense of abundance, at least 1.5 pies/guest is recommended.