Nickel and Dimed

In which your humble narrator spews invective in the direction of his telecommunications company.

I hate you, Qwest. I hate you so much. You are a very bad telecommunications company. Your left hand does not know what your right hand is doing. I have suffered your incompetence for years, but your avaricious "convenience" fee has gone too far.

I have paperless statements with Qwest for DSL and phone service. Once a month I log on, and pay my bill. Until this month. A new check box appeared at the bottom of the payment screen requiring me to authorize a $1.00 "convenience" fee to process my payment.

When companies start charging you for the privilege of paying for the services you purchase from them, I think we can agree that we're officially living in Bizarro World.

I, of course, wrote an angry letter. I always write letters. I wrote:

The "convenience" fee you've imposed on online payments is the last straw. I will not sign up for auto pay because then I won't be able to review my bill before paying. I sent a check for payment today. Please enjoy processing it manually.

I wish to un-enroll from online billing. We'll go back to expensive paper statements since you've decided to soak your customers for online transactions. I'm so sick of companies trying to nickel and dime me. I'll be looking seriously for a new telecom service in the next month.

I later received a form response from Qwest thanking me for contacting them and informing me that:

The fee is new and was a difficult decision for Qwest.

Oh, golly. Well I feel better knowing that you agonized over it. They continue:

Convenience fees are a common business practice that Qwest is adopting in order to operate more efficiently. Qwest approaches business from two directions: not only providing customers with world-class products and services, but also by operating in the most efficient possible way.

Allow me to translate. "Everyone else is doing it. Qwest approaches being a douche bag from two directions; not only providing outsourced, useless customer service and crappy products but also by nickel and diming your sorry butt for whatever we can get away with. Get bent, Qwest."

I wonder if Tamera McCurry of Qwest Customer Care had to go to school to learn how to do corporate double speak of if it's some sort of natural ability.