Your List of Lists

In which your humble narrator taxonomizes awesomeness. 

It's a March round-up, y'all. First up:

Things that are Awesome

• Archer
• Fat Tire
• Chili-Mac from scratch
• Brunch with friends whose children play with our children largely unsupervised

Things that Are Awesome but Sad

• When Child #1 describes his stomach bug which produced a lot of diarrhea with the statement: "My bottom is sick."

Things that are Awesome by virtue of the longevity and consistency of their Awesomeness

• David Bowie

Things that are not Awesome

• March Snow
• Wife-a-roo's "raise"
• Trader Joe's parking lots. They are designed by the Architecture Firm of Satan, Satan, & Beelzebub.

Airing Out the Winter-Musty Children

In which your humble narrator decamps from the old homestead.

It hit 40 degrees and the sun came out so the children and I left the house on booted feet to inspect the melt in the neighborhood.

Here they are pictured pontificating on some mud. A good time was had by all.

On our way past the local parochial school I overheard one small boy indignantly retort to another, "I'm not a little kid! I'm six and a half, and I play violent video games!"

No Rest for the Weary

In which your humble narrator realizes that he has spoken too soon.

Apparently one of our former Republican legislators who found himself out of job when the Pawlenty administration closed up shop managed to have himself appointed a Regent of the University in addition to his part-time gig in the Humphrey School of Public Affairs.*

From Tim Post's piece at MPR:

"At today’s board meeting Sviggum apologized to his new colleagues for putting them in an awkward position.  But he told them he didn’t think his work as an instructor and a regent would conflict."

Oh, gosh no. Just take his word for it.

I'm begging you University, please stop. I'd like to go back to writing about my kids' insanity, snot and verbal abilities some time soon.

*Where he pulls in 80k per year. Part time. 

More Woes at The U

In which your humble narrator wonders what embarrassment to expect next.

It continues to be a lousy week at the University of Minnesota. I mean on top of previous issues.

Big budget cuts are coming, preceded by the corporatist weasel words we've all come to expect.

We're number four! We're number four! We're the fourth most corrupt athletic program in the country!

Oh, and a math professor from a lesser local University punched Goldy in the head.

At least next week is spring break. So we've probably got a week's reprieve from embarrassing scandal. I'm going to spend my time grading some papers in a modest, professional manner without embezzling, assaulting or humiliating anyone. You're welcome, University.

Hold your applause please

In which your humble narrator burns with righteous indignity.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you my University.

Sheesh. I'm starting to feel about my academic home the same way as one of my undergraduate Religious Studies professors described his relationship to the Roman Catholic church: "Well, she may be an old whore, but she's still my Mom and I love her."

Accidental Profanity

In which your humble narrator recalls an inadvertent insult to his sister.

Child #2 is starting to get very interested in letters and colors, even though she's not yet 2 years old. This is because she is freakishly brilliant. Also evil. This child is ornery in a way that the other one never was. This reminded me this week of when Child #1 was learning letters

Sister-of-Me was sitting in our living room while Child #1 played with some brightly colored foam letters we had gotten for him. He selected a couple of letters and toddled over to my sister and said "Look, Auntie! F! U!"

It was indeed a purple F and a yellow U, and of course, completely innocent. I fear that if Child #2 learns F and U that she may mean it.

Mailbag

In which your humble narrator remembers to answer the queries in the mailbag.

Dear Rotten Baby,
I live near the St. Croix River and there's this weird smell around my house lately. Sort of like charred Gouda? What's up with that?
                                                  -Cheesily Confused
Dear C.C.,
The offending odor wafting over the frozen St. Croix is the state of Wisconsin going up in flames. Since "America's Dairyland" contains the highest concentration of cultured dairy products in the nation, you're experiencing some off-gassing from the labor struggles of our neighbors to the east.
You see, C.C., in the past election everyone decided that they were pissed off because a historic financial collapse 15 years in the making wasn't solved in 18 months. Therefore the peoples were filled with anger and decided pretty much to vote against incumbents all over the place to "send a message." That message was "I is super angry! Also dumb! Mostly I just want someone to validate my feelings because I am a whiny, petulant crybaby electorate." And now everything is perfect forever. Hooray!

Dear Rotten Baby,
Will the stupid winter never end? Seriously? 74.9 inches of snow so far this winter. I'm tired of looking at it, driving in it and shoveling it.
                                               -Tired of The Snow
Deat TOTS,
Your imitation of a repining weasel leaves me breathless. Of course winter will end. What apparently won't end is your constant litany of complaint about things over which you can exert no influence what-so-ever. Please, learn a lesson from the local Scandihoovians and bear this burden stoically for a change.

Dear Rotten Baby,
While it's clear to everyone that you make up letters to answer in this feature, you seem especially vituperative lately. Does setting up imbecilic straw men to pummel make you feel like some sort of big man?
                                             -Concerned Reader
Dear C.R.
Yes.